I was watching Akeelah And The Bee a while back when memories of my school experience came flooding back. In the film Akeelah was bullied at first and then she became popular when she won the national spelling bee. My school experience was exactly the opposite. I was made fun of and bullied in grade school. I was very shy and introverted as a result. I went to school everyday however because I loved learning and reading. I would ignore the taunting and bullying and go to school and try to focus on learning new things.
When I was in 5th grade I was subjected to extreme bullying and taunting. I was accused of spreading a rumor about a "dating" couple and everone at school hated me. I didn't think about killiing myself because of what had happened to my older brother. He killed himself in prison in 1976 when I was six years old. I went to school everyday and focused on learning and reading. In sixth grade I was also severely taunted and bullied. It really puzzled me that the teacher did nothing to stop the taunting and bullying. My biggest fear was that I would get beat up at school. Luckily that never happened. I did worry that it would however.
Akeelah had a big brother in the film who supported and loved her. It made me wonder how I would have been had my brother lived. I would have had a big brother who loved and supported me. I would have been a more confident person. I really missed my brother growing up. He was 19 when he died. I wasn't very close to him as his little sister. I was mainly an annoyance. I think he loved me but didn't show it very much.
My mother was clueless about my daily trials at school. I didn't tell her about the taunting and the bullying. I just endured it. I didn't try to fight it. I just tried to ignore it. Most of the time I would spend alot of time at the local library. I would get lost in books. It was my only refuge. I read alot. I would also go to movies by myself. I really enjoyed those movies. My dad gave me an allowance and I always spent the money on books and going to movies.
I had a very low self-esteem and image. I hated myself. I didn't get bullied in Jr. High or High School but I was very introverted. I didn't have any friends. I continued to lose myself in books and school work and movies and tv. I internalized alot of the taunting and bullying I went through in grade school. I really didn't like myself. I knew I couldn't be popular. I couldn't afford nice clothes. I didn't have a car so I never went out.
When I joined the church I was love bombed. It overwhelmed me. I couldn't believe people actually liked me and wanted to spend time with me. I was fiercely loyal to the church for twenty years because of the relationships I had. I couldn't bear to be lonely again the way I was when I was in school. I think that's why I endured the spiritual and emotional abuse within the church for so long. I wanted to please these people. I wanted to be spiritual and evangelistic and fruitful by converting alot of people. Leaving the church was hard but I had to to save my sanity.
Not working I spend alot of time alone. It's hard. It makes me think of all that time I spent alone growing up. I really hate being alone. I need social interaction on some level. I miss the social events at my church and being busy doing things that involved being around people. I really appreciate social media because it helps me connect with people if only on a superficial level.
I really appreciate the time I spend on social media. It doesn't compare with the real thing however.
The only time I felt good about myself was when I was manic or hypomanic. These feelings go away and give way to depression however. When I feel good about myself other people's opinion of me doesn't matter. I don't feel that I need to please anyone anymore. I finally feel that I like myself and who I am . That didn't really happen until I left the church I was in.
School was 25 years ago. I can't believe it's been that long. I sometimes feel as if it was yesterday. I really am glad those days are over. I need to see how my love for learning and reading saved me from getting really depressed during those days. I could have killed myself or dropped out. I persevered because I wanted an education.
I guess that's why it really hurt me when I couldn't finish college. I tried really hard to stay in school and get a degree but my illness made that impossible. It really hurts that I couldn't finish school. I felt useless and a failure for so long after dropping out. I tried to finish later on but my illness got in the way again and I couldn' finish classes so I dropped out again. I really felt like I had wasted alot of money for nothing.
My school experience and church experience molded my personality and made me who I am today. I wish teenagers would realize that school is a temporary experience and doesn't reflect the real world. It's an experience and then you go into the real world and you can learn to like yourself.