I don't know why life can be so hard and unfair. I don't know why the innocent suffer and the wicked thrive. It's hard dealing with the hand I was dealt. I used to be depressed and angry about it but I have since become resigned to the way life is. I just try to find joy and pleasure in life each day. I used to feel so down on myself because of my limitations. I just try to work around them and do the best I can. My husband drinks alcohol to quel the anger and depression he feels. I can't drink so I have to find different ways of dealing with my depression. Some days I lie in bed all day and can't get up. Those days are hard because I can't explain them to my husband. He doesn't understand why I can't be productive those days. It's hard to get him to understand why my depression affects me so much even on medication.
My illness has taken a real toll on my self-esteem. I used to feel so useless and stupid. I would work so hard at being normal only to get no acknowledgment from other people of my hard work. Working every day was a monumental challenge and I worked for as long as I could. When I could no longer work I tried to get disability. When that failed I really felt guilty because I thought well maybe I could work. I tried to work but I couldn't hold a job for a week. I tried looking but I couldn't find anything. Then I started to have trouble sleeping. Now I don't sleep at night and I sleep during the day. I have tried to change this sleep pattern but nothing works. I don't know if I can work a job with my sleep pattern being the way it is. I really want to find a way to work from home so I can work during the night. That would be ideal.
Being an atheist has improved my self-esteem and allowed my to stop feeling so guilty about everything. I have a better sense of humor. I am not as anxious about everything. I still have fears and anxieties but not as much as before. It was very difficult for me as a Christian. I felt like I was a constant disappointment to God. I couldn't maintain a joyful mood. I couldn't be out of myself all of the time. I couldn't please God all of the time. I didn't feel God's grace but God's wrath. I felt like such a spiritual failure. I was so full of guilt and anxiety. Church was hard to endure. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. It was never good enough. No matter how hard I tried. I couldn't be myself because that wasn't pleasing to God. I tried to be someone I wasn't. It was sucking the life out of me. I couldn't take it anymore. I just gave up. I wanted to be sane and have peace in my life. I just couldn't get that as a Christian.
It's hard not working because everything seems like a waste of time. At times I do nothing because nothing interests me. It's really hard at times. I'm starting to think differently. Now I try to stay busy with something because it's better than doing nothing. Just getting out of the house is better than spending time at home doing nothing. I try to write but it's hard concentrating. I try to read but it's still hard concentrating for a long time. Movies don't interest me because my attention span isn't that long. Sometimes everything seems like a really hard chore. If I get up and do something during the day that's a good day. I'm not lazy I have an illness. I have limitations and that's why I can't work. I couldn't prove it to the government but I still can't work.
I don't know how to stop thinking like a depressed person. I just think that things are hopeless sometimes. I feel like I'm just waiting for the next crisis to happen. This economy is so bad right now. I worry that my husband will lose his job and we will end up homeless. I fear that I won't be able to get my meds and that I will end up in the hospital. I fear that I will have a heart attack or stroke and end up really disabled. I just don't have any faith in luck and fortune. I just think that things will get shitty at some point. I wish I could think more positively about life. I don't have any faith in the world as a whole. Good things happen,bad things happen life just happpens. I used to lie in bed all day because I was afraid of what might happen. Anything can and will happen I can't stop that. Life is completely random. There's no meaning to it at all. Life is a wild ride and we just have to hang on and try to stay sane.
I am thankful for the trials I have had because it's made me more thankful for the peace and wellness I have had. I want to be more positive and thankful for my life. When my sister died I realized that I was living my life in fear. My sister did the best she could and tried to live life with strength and dignity. I took that lesson for myself and try to do the same.I just realized that I didn't cherish life and living. I was just waiting to die. I have changed my outlook since the death of my sister. It changed my life. I want to be more positive and live life with gusto.
I'm scared for the country right now. The Republicans are determined to ruin Obama's presidency. I just want the country to be healed from the recession and for health care costs to go down. I want the health care system to be fixed so that people with mental illness can be treated with dignity. I want to be able to do something for a living so that we can get a permanent place to live and a car. I just want to live a good life and die happy.