I don't care if you hate me.

During my school years I was very unpopular. I was too poor to afford the hip clothes and hair style. I couldn't afford to go to clubs and party in high school. I didn't have a car. I couldn't do anything athletic. The bullying didn't stop when I got home. My mother and older sister would yell at me for whatever reason too. I learned to escape into a fantasy world or a book. I just endured the teasing and bullying because I was afraid to fight. I didn't get angry I got sad. I just had low self-esteem most of my school years. I hear about kids who kill themselves because they are teased too much. I didn't think of doing that. I just endured it so I could go to school and learn something. I went to school every day because I wanted to learn something. I enjoyed learning and reading. I spent alot of time at the library escaping into books. I like the silence and peace of the library it was opposite of what my home life was like.

Sometimes kid's teasing would make me cry but most of the time I was numb to it. It just got old. I tried to concentrate on the teacher and what I was supposed to learn. When I was depressed it was hard because I couldn't understand math or science too well. This made me look stupid and kids in math and science class would hate me because they thought I was stupid. I couldn't understand why I couldn't get math or science. I just thought I must be stupid like the other kids thought. It was much later that I learned that when you are depressed your brain doesn't process information too well. That made me feel better when I learned that.

I just felt so bad about myself until I turned eighteen. I felt better that year and I was doing ok in school. I had a part time job so I had some money. I took Tae Kwon Do class and lost some weight. I felt ok that year. I was feeling pretty optimistic about college and pretty excited about what I was going to learn. That good feeling changed when I joined college ROTC. I was out of shape and couldn't keep up with the group when they went running in the morning. I sucked at ROTC and everybody hated me. I felt like I was in grade school all over again. I quit ROTC after my freshman year and concentrated on going to church.

Church really made me feel good. I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt close to God and really full of spiritual joy. This changed when I had a bad period of depression. I had no idea what was going on with me. I would skip class and sleep all day. I would act weird and read depressing books in the Bible. My behavior was bizarre and I became suicidal but noone in the church thought to get me any help. I finally quit school and went to see a doctor who just gave me meds for hypothyroid. I continued to get depressed and attempted suicide by setting my apartment on fire. After getting two years probation for the fire I was mis-diagnosed with unipolar depression. I was given an anti-depressant which made me manic. I had a manic episode and spend the night in the hospital. After that I was given Lithium. The Lithium was hard at first because it made me really lethargic and slow. My father thought I was stupid and lazy. That really hurt. I tried really hard to prove that I wasn't stupid and lazy but my father went to his grave thinking that.

I gained alot of weight on Lithium but it did stabilize my moods. Going on other meds didn't work as well as Lithium. I tried Tegertol,Depakote,Lamictal,Wellbutrin,Paxil,and Seroquel. These all had annoying side effects or didn't have any effect at all. I have to take the Lithium so my weight will always be high. I have been hated because of my weight. Two women I knew at church hated me because of my weight. I read an article recently about a woman with Bipolar Disorder who gained alot of weight on a medication. The medication stabilized her mood but she hated herself because of her weight. Her family also disliked her because of her weight. She lost friends because of her weight. She went off the medication and struggled with her moods because she'd rather be thin and unstable than fat and stable. I feel like she is saying she'd rather die than be fat. Bipolar disorder does result in death for alot of people who don't find a medication that works for them. I would rather live and be fat than risk death and be thin.

The women who hated me at church had eating disorders. I think if a person dislikes me it's because of a hang-up they have rather than about me. I've been hated because of my religion, because I married a white man, because I'm fat, because of my race,and because of my illness. I think the kids who bullied me at school did so to feel better about themselves. The strong tend to prey on the weak sort of thing. My sister, however, had alot of hang-ups about herself. She was angry and depressed growing up and didn't have much of a support system. I have no idea why she picked on me, though. Maybe she felt picked on. She was bullied at school too.

At this point in my life I have no desire to make people like me. If they hate me for whatever reason I guess that's the way it will be. I don't care to waste my time on people who hate me. Why would I try to change to make them like me? Why try losing weight to please other people for instance? If you hate fat people that's your business. I'm not going to try to change you. I think I'm at the poing where I don't care about what people think about me. I'm on this planet to do things that have nothing to do with what people think about me.