In school I was always unpopular. From first grade to high school I was subject of taunts and rumors.In fourth grade I was hated because someone spread a rumor about me. They spread a rumor that I had spread a rumor about two kids that were going steady. I made the comment " who knows what goes on behind closed doors" but I didn't spread it around the school, this other girl did that. So when I was asked if I'd said that I said yes. I was accused of spreading a rumor when I didn't spread one at all. The whole school hated me for it. I just went to school and endured it. Fifth grade and sixth grade were bad as far as taunting went. I had to endure daily taunting from kids in my class. The teachers just let it happen. They didn't try to address it or stop it. That really made me angry because it was disruptive to the class.
I didn't have the money to buy the right clothes and have the right hair style to be popular in high school. I joined JROTC to avoid gym class. I was not popular in JROTC. I was clumsy and overweight. In my senior year I did o.k. in school. I looked forward to going to college. In college I was in ROTC for my freshman year. I was out of shape and unpopular. People really hated me in ROTC. I quit after a year of that.
I joined the Denver Church of Christ and got really involved in the campus ministry. I had started to display symptoms of my Bipolar Disorder. Eventually I had to drop out of college. After four years in college I had no work experience. I was also suffering from severe depression. I was having trouble keeping a job when a severe bout depression hit and I burned my apartment down. I spent two weeks in jail and eventually got probation for two years for arson. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder after a bad reaction to an anti-depressant.
I just don't know why I endured such unpopularity in school. I was overweight most of my childhood. I didn't play sports so I was out of shape physically. I was poor growing up and didn't have the right clothes and hairstyle. Kids just made fun of me naturally. I just got used to being hated for no reason. My self-esteem was pretty low throughout my childhood. I was pretty quiet in my teen years. I still made enemies, though. I didn't do anything to deserve being picked on. I was just used to being unpopular by high school. I kept going to school because I enjoyed learning. When I was fifteen I was severely depressed and almost flunked out of high school. My mother did nothing about this. I don't even think she knew.
I spent my childhood and teen years very lonely. I would do alot of reading,t.v. and movie watching. I would say my hobby was watching movies and reading books. I didn't have a car so I couldn't go clubbing. I basically spent time by myself. I was very inept socially. I had no social skills. Joining the church really made me feel better about myself. I learned how to interact with people. I became devoted to the church and the campus ministry. When I became depressed and was diagnosed I left the church because they didn't understand my illness. I returned to the church after two years because I missed the relationships.
Being taunted and unpopular in school set me up for being in the church. I was love bombed and that was very overwhelming for me. I actually thought they cared about me. Right after I was baptised,however,I realised that I was no more than a statistic. I stayed in the church 20 years because I wanted to please God and I wanted to belong to a group of people. I hated being alone and being in the church meant that I was always a part of something. I loved the feeling of belonging I had in being in the church.
Being out of the church has been hard because that lonely feeling I had when I was a kid has come back. I hate going places by myself because I feel so alone. I feel anxiety when I go out because I'm afraid something will happen to me. I hate that solitary feeling I get when I am alone. It's scary and distastful. Being on Facebook helps my loneliness because at least people read your stuff and care about what you are doing.