I have spent all my life trying to escape my reality. When I was young I would daydream, talk to God, read books, watch movies, anything to escape my present reality. I ate food to numb the reality of my own self-loathing. I slept to escape reality. I had a miserable childhood and youth. I was unpopular at school and people actually hated me. At home my mother and older sister would yell at me constantly for not doing or being something they wanted. I felt like I had no comfort anywhere. I spent alot of time by myself and developed an active fantasy life. I slept alot and watched alot of t.v. I would go to movies by myself and spend time alone away from home. Some days were unbearable but I got through it. I developed a faith in God and a love for reading the Bible. It gave me comfort that someone out there cared about me if no one else did.
Now that I don't believe in God anymore I feel really alone. It's really hard to find comfort in movies and books anymore. I know they are not real. I still have a fantasy sometimes but it doesn't give me the pleasure it used to. I'm really alone. There's no god to talk to. I find comfort in music and writing and the fact that I have friends and family who do care about me. I don't sleep much any more and my appetite for food has diminished. I just feel like I am simply enduring life until I die. Sometimes it gets unbearable. I am so full of axiety. I fear that we will end up homeless or I will have a heart attack or stroke. I feel like the minute I let go and enjoy my life something shitty happens and my reality sucks again. I worry alot that this will happen. I don't know how to let go of the anxiety and worry.
I feel a little lost now that I am an atheist. What's my purpose ? How do I live my life to the full? Who cares? I just feel so vulnerable to the adverse forces out there. People who can rob and kill you. Things that can go wrong. Circumstances that can arise that are impossible to solve. I just feel like its open season on Ellen Roberts. I want to feel inner peace like I did when I was a Christian. I want to feel loved and looked after. I miss that feeling. I miss prayer. I miss talking to God and feeling his ear lowered to my mouth. I miss feeling that angels were watching over me to guide and protect me. I feel so alone and weak.
I wish I could go back to believing in God but I can't. It's just a myth to me now. I don't know exactly why I stopped believing in God. I think it might have been a result of spiritual exhaustion. I tried so hard to follow the Bible but there were so many contradictions. Sometimes things the Bible said were wrong flew in the face of a person's very nature. I couldn't keep up. I couldn't be like Jesus no matter how hard I tried. I had flaws and I couldn't overcome them with prayer and self-discipline. I couldn't be joyous because of my depressions. It seemed like the closest to pleasing God I became was when I was manic. How crazy is that! Being manic is an illness it's a delusion. That made me realize that Christianity is a delusion. It was made to bring comfort to lonely people whose reality really sucked. The Bible was written to give an explanation for our pain and suffering. I don't know where all the rules and regulations came from. I guess that was created to give people boundaries they could follow so they could feel like they were pleasing God. But if you can't follow the rules you can't feel loved and accepted by God and people. It's a terrible cunundrum of misery and I could no longer take part in it.
Being a Christian wasn't a wast of time. I learned how to talk to people and be open with my feelings. I learned how to be self-disciplined and follow others. I learned how to build friendships and give to people and be thoughtful. I learned how to serve people without expecting anything in return. I grew up emotionally and let go of my fantasy life. I learned to focus my energy outside myself and not be self-focused. I refuse to think that my Christian life was a waste of time. I made life-long friendships that I cherish deeply.
For whatever reason I needed to be a Christian. I needed the support. I just need to find another support. Writing seems to be that support I need. Getting my stories and screenplays out and putting them in front of the public would really help me feel productive and useful. Speaking out in support of people with mental illnesses would give me a purpose.
Life is too short to let it fly by while you are laying in bed trying to escape reality. If my reality sucks I have the power to change it. I did that when I joined the ICOC. I wanted a relationship with God and best friends. I had that. I still have the best friends and family who care for me. I need to change how I perceive reality. I need to get to the point where I am glad to face my reality no matter how challenging. This is difficult to do. I often have a skewed view of reality that keeps me from enjoying life.
I want to enjoy my life. I want to live longer than I expect to live. People's lives are cut short everyday. I think I need to more grateful for my life even with the shitty parts. I survived the hard parts of my life with support of friends and family. Friends and family will always be there. I need to stop taking these relationships for granted. I need to stop taking my life for granted.
I need to be patient with myself and teach myself to write well and powerfully. I need to build my own reality. A reality that I enjoy existing in. A reality where I can feel good about myself and what I am doing.