I've been thinking about my life and what could have been different if I'd made different decisions. If my mother could have taken me to the doctor when I was 15 and suffering from depression I could have gotten on the right meds sooner and been able to finish college. If I had not joined the ICOC I could have flourished in my career as a writer. I could have paid off my student loans and made some money on my own. I would have married someone different. I would have been able to meet more people and make more friends. I would have been happier and been better adjusted.
I feel like twenty years of my life was wasted in a unhealthy church that just sucked the life out of me. I focused on church instead of a career as a writer. I became a religious nut who just focused on recruiting people into the church. I couldn't relate to anybody. I couldn't enjoy my life. I was so focused on pleasing the leadership in the church that I neglected family relationships. I tried to be the perfect wife and disciple. I couldn't be pleased with my progress. I felt constant guilt for not living up to the church's example of what I should be. I idolized leaders and made them more than they were. I tried really hard to please a God whom I felt couldn't be satisfied. Tweny years of that. My niece is tweny-five. I wasted most of her life in a system that was impossible to conquer.
I stayed off of disability because of my father. I wanted to please him. I wanted to show him that I could take care of myself. He went to his grave never believing in me. He thought I was stupid,lazy,religious,and unable to take care of myself. If I had finished school and made a career as a writer he would have been proud of me. He would have died proud of me. He is gone and I can't do anything about it.
My sister loved me and just wanted a relationship with me but I was too busy judging her for her relationship with her boyfriend. I could have had a closer relationship with her but I was too busy looking down on her for her mental illness. She is dead now and I can't do anything about it. I have one other sister and I can't make a connection with her. She makes me so angry because she she looks down on me. I am so discouraged about that. I wish I was friends with her and that she understood my struggle with my illness. She is just so judgmental. It infuriates me. She has blinders on and cant see her own mental illness. If I had been more of a success maybe she would have wanted a relationship with me.
I devoted my time and energy on the wrong things. I spent two decades doing something that got me nowhere. Now I am empty and alone. I don't have a purpose. I just exist through each day waiting for something disasterous to happen. I can't get over the guilt and regret I feel for wasting half my life on religion. Two family members are gone and I could have had a better relationship with them if I hadn't been so blinded by religious zeal. I feel so angry and cheated by that. The ICOC not only ruined my life but stole my family from me and I can't get that back.