My husband was talking about glory days; a reference to a Bruce Springstein song. He asked if I had some glory days of my own. I said no. My past is full of failures. Failure to get a college degree and failure to get and keep a job. I struggled with Bipolar illness for over a decade. I remember having depressions that would last for years. When I felt better I tried to do things but then the depressions would come back. It's been a constant struggle to keep from killing myselft out of pure misery.
It is really hard to get people to understand what a struggle having a mental illness is. I struggle to get out of bed daily. When I was working I strained and forced myself to go to work and be productive. Some days I barely made it. When I was going to school it was the same thing. I had to "beat my body and make it my slave" to quote Paul in the Bible. People didn't see my struggle. My father believed that I was stupid and lazy. He never saw the struggle I made to get a job and live on my own. He was never proud of me. I was a failure in his eyes. He died worried about me and whether I would make it in life. That thought haunts me but there is nothing I can do about it now.
I need to make the most of the present. I need to work on my writing and find a part time job. If I do these things I'll feel better about myself. I need to make the most of each day and try to take some pleasure from it. It's hard for me to think positively and not worry so much about what might happen. I spend a lot time thinking about the bad things that could happen. I also spend a lot time regretting the past. I don't know how I could have changed the things that happened to me because of my illness. I need to move on from the past and focus on the present and future.