My New Normal

It's Sunday, May 2nd. It's a new week and a new month. I need to make some decisions about my life. I have been unemployed for nine years. I tried to go back to school to finish my degree but my illness prevented me from achieving that goal. I tried working from home but,again, my illness got in the way. I don't know what to do. I need to find a way to make a living. I thought I could make money online but there are too many scams out there. I don't want to risk our bank account on a scam. The only thing left is writing. I have never been a writer. I have story ideas but I don't expand on them. I don't know the first thing about making a living as a writer. I feel cornered. I can't work a regular job. I can't finish my degree. The only thing I think I can do is write.

But write what? Screenplays? Novels? I don't know how to write those. How do I make money in the meantime? It's crazy. I feel like I am being set up for failure. I don't know what I should do.
I have attempted to write a book but I don't have enough information to write a whole novel. I might be able write a collection of short stories or a screenplay but I don't think I have a novel in me. I feel so helpless. We have been struggling financially since I quit my job. We filed bankruptcy. We don't have any money in savings. If we had to move or if something happened to my mother we wouldn't be able to do anything. I feel as if the universe has put the ball in my court and I am supposed to do something. If I do nothing then I will lose out.

I used to enjoy writing when I was in school. I enjoyed doing research papers. I wrote a few stories in college. It was fun and enjoyable. Now I look at writing as a chore. I don't want to do it but I feel as if I have no choice. I honestly don't know what else I can do. It seems as if I am being handed an option that I can't refuse. I used to enjoy writing but I stopped doing it. I became depressed and stopped doing the things I enjoyed like reading. I used to read one to two books a week. I stopped reading because I didn't want to use my brain. I stopped writing for the same reason. Maybe I'm being lazy. Writing isn't easy. It's hard. I thought early on that it was easy until I sat down and tried to write.

I don't want to spend the next ten years sitting in front of the t.v. wasting my brain. I want to produce something I can be proud of. I want to make enough money to help my family when they need it. I want to be able to afford a nice place to live and a car. I want to be able to go on vacation when I feel like it and travel to the Carribean and Europe if I feel like it. I want to enjoy life again. If writing can help me do these things then it is worth my effort to try it.

When I used to think of writing a book I thought I had to come up with it fully blown and written my first try. I think that's wrong. Writing is a process and it takes patience and finesse to complete a writing project. I need to take my time and be patient with myself and craft my writing projects carefully.

I just turned forty and I feel as if I have wasted a good portion of my life trying to survive instead of live life to the fullest. It's hard to live life to the fullest when you are poor and are just worried about where you will sleep and what you will eat. I don't want to drift through life and not experience good things because I was too focused on survival. If becoming a writer can help me extract some good things in life then maybe that's what I should be.